Date: August 16, 2016
To: Marketing
From: Angelica Jurkowski
Body:
Let me start by saying that the Marketing department has been doing excellent work. Mr. Ross is more than pleased with the progress on the Delta mock-ups. We are ahead of schedule for the first time all quarter. However, we’ve received complaints that an unpleasant odor is making its way about the office. Please clean out the office refrigerator and refer to section eighteen (18) of the employee handbook for regulations regarding colognes and perfumes.
Thanks :)
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Date: August 28, 2016
To: Marketing (Design)
From: Angelica Jurkowski
Body:
Things might get a little harsh here, so I want to begin by reassuring the Design branch of the Marketing department that your work is exceptional. We know the hours are long. We know you want to clock out at five. But hear this: Delta noticed. They spent the entire morning meeting raving about the direction of the project. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that much energy on the fifth floor. Unfortunately, we still need to address the smell emanating from your corner of the building. After we replaced the refrigerator (not before a time intensive and ultimately pointless full defrost), and the installation of a new ventilation system, we confirmed what we already suspected: the smell is coming from design. If anybody knows anything about what or who may be causing the smell, please alert your department head. Three people have quit due to the severity of the smell. It needs to be fixed ASAP.
Thanks :)
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Date: September 1, 2016
To: Marketing (Design, Front End Development)
From: Trevor Ramirez (HR)
Body:
I’ve been asked to take over this memo in the absence of
Allison, who recently quit due to the odor that’s been working its way through the building. Before I get to that – Delta is through the roof with the final construction. They’ve ordered three more campaigns from our office, all because of your diligent work. It’s not my place to say, but I’d say you’re looking at one hell of a Christmas bonus.
Onto the bad news – we’ve got to do something about this smell. We, after many costly legal battles on the subject, cannot enforce a qualitative hygiene standard in the office, but we can let you know that the smell that has forced the evacuation of multiple floors of this building is coming from a human being. Specifically -- a human male in the Front End Development section of the Design Branch of the Marketing Department. Again, I cannot legally enforce the wearing of deodorant, but I beg you to do your best. For the safety of us all. Please.
Thanks :)
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Date: September 3, 2016
To: come on, man, you know who
From: Clifton Ross (CEO)
Body:
Listen here you little fuck – Delta’s campaign has gone full on viral. It’s everything they ever wanted. You’re some little fucking genius or something, aren’t you? Well you better be the fucking Mozart of Advertising, because every god damn member of my god damn team has quit. You have singlehandedly made more money for this company in two months than we made in two quarters of the last fiscal year, but god fucking damnit, Sam, if you don’t take a fucking shower my entire life is going to crumble. Clean that asshole, boy. Do it! We all know it’s you. We fucking know.
Thanks :)